So, as I always say every time I do a meme (hee hee), I don’t do memes. But this one’s been going around and seems to be a good opportunity to share some bits from my past.
Since nobody ever tags me (and yes, that is my bottom lip sticking out, despite the fact that if they did tag I’d probably ignore it intentionally – I like being a dog-in-the-manger) and specifically nobody tagged me for this one, I’m going to be all rebelious and not bother with rules and stuff. However, since I fancy her rotten, and more importantly I cut and paste the questions from her instance of the meme, I’ll link to Ms. Inconspicuous so anyone wanting to take part in the meme too can do it properly. Yes, that’s right, I’m not tagging anyone either. I can be just as petulatant as anyone else, eh Ms I? Anyway, I digress. So what were the questions again? Oh, yes…. 1. First French kiss?I think this was when I was about 8 or 9, with two girls. They were best friends, and I fancied them rotten. We used to play kiss-chase a lot at my school, and I was always getting caught. And we kissed, which included “tongues and everything” (so just tongues then). Interesting that I was always able to escape bullies though, despite being such a slow runner when girls were involved. I can still remember the name of the first girl I kissed without tongues, in her bedroom (we were about 6). I never found her again, despite googling. I suspect she is still very pretty. Just for fun, I’ll also mention my first proper French kiss with a guy. It was about 5 years ago, and we had a proper snog. I was drunk, had been out for many hours, and had tried coke (on the gums, not snorted) for the first and only time. The only thing I can really remember was that he seemed surprisingly turned on, and how rough his stubble felt. I enjoyed it, and don’t regret it, but have would not bother kissing any other men as it did nothing for me. 2. First girlfriend? Hmm. This one got me thinking about her last night. She was on my college course (so I’d have been about 18). She was fun, pretty and geeky, and wore the shortest skirts of any woman I’ve ever known. I found her incredibly hot sexy, and we went out for several weeks, if I remember correctly. I would have lost my virginity to her, but I wasn’t able to sustain my erection due to complications with my first time putting on a condom (in hindsight I actually think it was because I was too thick for a standard-sized Durex). It was a horrible anti-climax and things were never the same after that, so we fizzled out. I often regret it, because she was lovely – and very sexy. I know that because a few months later she got together with a guy I shared a flat with and I had to listen to them perform loud and athletic sex every day and night for the next few months. I have tried to find her on Facebook etc several times but never managed it, which is unusual given that our course (and subsequent vocations) were IT-based. 3. First type. Not sure about this. I was a late-starter (see 2) so probably just any pretty girl. I always had a soft-spot for blonds (yeah, predicatable) and have always liked strong-minded independent girls. Odd, really, given where I ended up. 4. First time you had sex. Feb 1989. I was 18, nearly 19. I got together with a girl who was seeing somebody else at the time; she liked him a lot but found me attractive, and suggested we had a physical relationship in secret. It wasn’t very secret, but was very physical. I had the hots for her, so was happy to see her even if we weren’t ‘going out’, and it was an ideal relationship in many ways – we’d go out separately, get drunk with our separate mates, and then meet up surrepticiously at the end of the night and fuck ourselves silly. She taught me a lot of what I know, and taught me to be completely uninhibited with my body and what I did with it. For example, she showed me just how good and hot sex could be during menstruation – even cunnilingus. Nothing was off-limits, we re-enacted Madonna’s wax scene, did the Kim Basinger food thing, and read Penthouse together (which really turned her on). I don’t remember that much about my first time, despite consciously trying to do so. I do remember we did at least 3 positions which she was impressed at, and we spent most of the next day in bed refining my technique. Eventually, after a few months, she dumped the other guy, claiming she’d fallen in love with me; but by then my affections had waned, and we split up not long after. 5. First celebrity crush. When I was about 13. Can’t say who it is as it’s a well-known fact that would easily identify me, but it was an 80s pop star. 6. First sexual fantasy. I think, being a late starter, it was probably “all of them” or “anything”. I used to have a thing about fucking a bride (which I still haven’t fulfilled), and always had the hots for girls in bikinis. 7. First person you fell in love with. The girl I went out with after number 4 above. She was hot, nubile, fit, funny, pretty, clever and extremely horny. I was devastated when she ended it with me, and it took me 3 years to recover properly. I met her again, in secret, about 5 years ago after she contacted me through my college alumni. It turned out she’d tracked me through the electoral register (part of her job) for 8 years before that. We nearly got a hotel room but she backed off the day before, but we met, talked, kissed a lot and still regularly exchange sexy emails and the odd picture. I’ll always have a soft spot for her, because of certain things we went through together. If I had got in contact with her earlier or hadn’t met and fallen in love with my now wife, I would have tried to win her back. What’s most annoying is that when we met up again, she said she wished she never ended it. 8. First proper sex toy. Never had one or used on, proper or otherwise. Well, unless you count my right hand. But I certainly intend to try one (or more) at the first opportunity. 9. First porn video. I don’t remember the first. I’ve watched a lot of porn though. My favourite, without question, is Secret Paris by Andrew Blake. All of his stuff is just amazing. I suggest you go find some and watch it. 10. First sexy lingerie item/sexy briefs owned. Do men have sexy lingerie? I certainly haven’t ever had any, unless you count a pair of silk boxer shorts. I prefer to be naked, really, and concentrate on the underwear that the lady is wearing…. 11. First time giving oral. That would be number 4, and probably only a few weeks before I had sex for the first time. I have said this a few times, but I absolutely love going down on a woman, probably as much as (possibly more than) penetrative sex itself. There is something truly wonderful about being between a woman’s thighs as she writhes and shudders to every movement of your tongue. I can remember after 2-3 weeks of long nightly sessions of cunnilingus, the frenulum underneath my tongue (my lingal frenulum) had a tear in it 1-2mm deep, from where I’d spent so long with my tongue fully extended and flicking over my bottom teeth. Painful, but worth it. 12. First time getting oral. Same girl as number 4 (again – many of my firsts were with her). I had a very large bar of Cadburys Dairy Milk and some candles lit, so she decided to drip melted chocolate onto my cock and balls, and then lick and suck it off. It was a very good introduction to something that I feel I haven’t experienced enough of in my life. 13. First orgasm given by someone else. I can’t actually remember whether this was with the girl in number 2 or number 4. I have a feeling that after our first disasterous attempt at sex, No. 2 might have give me some hand-relief – but the memories are blurred (it was 18 years or so ago….). 14. First one night stand. This should be ‘only’ one night stand, as I’ve had just the one. It was when I was at Uni, sharing a flat with four other lads, 3 of whom were away for the weekend. The two of us that remained decided to get absolutely shitfaced, so we shared half a litre of vodka and then went to the pub and drank a double-digit number of pints of strong ale (plus a few other drinks). We bumped into some girls we knew, and in our drunken state ended up going home with two of them. I don’t remember much about it or my partner, other than her being definite ‘beer goggle’ material and the sex being very good. I do remember we fell off the bed a couple of times during it (she was blind drunk too). I did manage to perform though, so that’s something. I can still remember the next morning sitting in the kitchen, looking at my flatmate with horror at what we’d done (he had a long-time girlfriend at the time, upon whom he doted) but sniggering at the comedy of it. All four of us decided that it was a best left as a one-off alcohol-induced mishap and, discretion being the better part of valour, that we’d all pretend it hadn’t happened and deny any rumours should they arise. 15. First dirty book/dirty mag read. Gosh, don’t remember specifically, but I know I was looking through the odd discarded Hustler magazine etc from a reasonably early age (maybe 10?). I love porn – the whole idea of it is fantastic – so I’ve been an avid reader/viewer ever since. I amassed a good collection of Penthouse mags in my teens, and spent many a happy hour ensconced in my bedroom wanking myself silly. Good times! There were a few erotic stories in them which I read, but I didn’t really hit across proper erotic words until about a year before starting this blog. I’d overdone it on visual porn and the novelty had started to wear off, and I came across (literally) some well-authored stories on some of the erotic literature sites. That got me started and enthused me to put my own fantasies and thoughts down in words. This isn’t the first time I’ve written erotically though – for a few years (before blogs existed) I kept a diary which included many long and detailed accounts of the sex I had with the girl in number 7. I still have a copy of it somewhere, encrypted – if I can find it and remember the password I’ll post a couple of the entries (with names changed to protect the innocent) to see if my style has altered or improved in the last 15 years….
