The Last Post

Five years, more than eighty erotic stories, thousands of visitors, nearly 50,000 views - peaking at 4,000 per month in 2009, and a lot of orgasms.

Now it’s time for me to stop.

Writing this blog has been an adventure. I’ve discovered things about myself I didn’t know – some good and some bad. I’ve poured out my darkest dreams and deepest fantasies, sharing my urges, desires and frustrations with the world.

But after all this I’ve realised that as well as lying to my wife, friends and family, I’ve been lying to myself. In some ways I’m no longer sure what the truth is; I’m so wrapped up in an endless web of lies that it’s like a fog, or a tangle of hedgerow, obscuring the green grass, open countryside and blue skies beyond. So the time has come for clarity.

I don’t know if I can do this; temptation is just a smartphone away and – like alcohol or cigarettes – it’s not possible to put out of reach. But there’s a fluttering, torn fragment of hope that hasn’t quite been caught by the gale of destruction that’s ripped through my life this year. I have to try and catch it, otherwise my life will just become a void of dreamt erotic fantasy, devoid of passion or feeling, and most frighteningly, without love or fun.

I look back at all the faces who’ve come and gone in this odd, endorphine-charged and lust-filled sphere of the internet. Some, like Cake, found their happiness and seem to have achieved her dreams. Others, like Ms. Inconspicuous, faded into the ether after thrilling us with tales and images of delicious debauchery. The crazy tree-climbing B – remember her? Scarlet, ever posting how she’d return to blogging (did she? I haven’t looked for years). EA – the writer who inspired me to blog in the first place, and so many others. Os and the insane crowd of HNTers – with whom I’m proud to have joined in. And on twitter: Susie, Dirty Jess , Miss B, NSN, Princess, Ruby; all such good friends – ironically given how this started. I’ll miss you all.

But I love my wife.

And that fact alone is the only real truth in my life, and I can’t keep lying to myself about it. So I have to stop – or try to stop – at the risk of my own sanity.

And so I bid farewell. The blog will remain; I like the idea that my words might bring pleasure to more readers. Please tell me if they do; I will drop by occasionally to read any comments, transformed from author to reader, and comments always make me smile.

Cross your fingers for me. But most of all, promise me that you will be true to yourselves and find your joy, pleasure, contentment or heart’s desire. None of us come to this place because we are fulfilled – we all end up here because we’re looking for something that was missing. But I finally realised that what I was looking for was right in front of me after all; you should go and find it now too.

Good luck.

Mendicatus. x